Me, Me, Me

I started this blog so that I have somewhere to vent I suppose.  I'm not writing to anyone in particular and I don't intend to tell anyone about this blog.  Except for my wonderful husband of course because I don't like to hide stuff from him and he's going through this too so it's probably only fair he gets to see (or read) how I'm dealing with it.  I won't tell my friends or family because I'll probably say things about them here that I don't really want them to see.  Nothing nasty, mostly just ramblings about the irrational thoughts that I have.  And I seem to be having an awful lot of irrational thoughts lately.  I've noticed that I've become quite self interested.  I'm always thinking about what's going on with me. 
I like to think that I'm typically not a selfish person but I've noticed that over the last couple of weeks - since heading into cycle #5 - my thoughts all seem to be about me.  For example, my sister-in-law (who is one of my oldest serving best friends who just happened to fall in love with and marry my brother) has just come through her very first ivf cycle and her first ever two-week-wait with a positive result.  Of course I'm very happy for her and my brother.  It's excellent for them.  And believe me, they deserve something good to happen for them after the shit they've had to endure for the last 8 years.  But I find myself continually thinking about me.  I'm consumed now by thoughts of why not me, what am I doing wrong, is this karma for something I've done in a past life, what can I do differently next time to make this work, it's so unfair, when is it my turn???????  Worst of all, I can't help the stupid irrational feeling that my Dad is going to love me less now because my sister-in-law is giving him his first grandchild and I've failed him.  He's been asking me to give him grandkids for years.  So strong are these feelings that I've been avoiding his calls.  And he's probably only ringing to find out how my scan and bloods went yesterday.  My irrationality is telling me that all he's going to talk about is how happy he is about my sister-in-law's pregnancy and forget to ask about me.  Stupid really because I know how much my Dad loves me and I know that he'd be hanging to find out about my results.  I find it very bizarre that I know that I'm being irrational and yet I can't seem to get past these feelings.  If there are any psycologists out there reading this - please explain???
I'm feeling suprisingly stable right now but throughout the entire day (yes, today's been a bad one) I've been on the verge of tears.  I'm normally quite strong emotionally so I like to think that these sudden leaps between crying and laughing are all entirely due to the ivf drugs.  But I just don't know anymore.  I've been doing this for what feels like forever and I'm starting to forget what the real me is like.

Skip to another subject that's not depressing... I bought a gorgeous new dress today!!  My cousin is getting married next weekend so I thought a new dress was in order.  Here's a picture of it I found on the web. 

I bought shoes the other week and hoped that I'd be able to find a dress to go with them and I've done it.  I am aware that it's normally easier to buy the dress first and then find shoes to match but I saw the shoes and couldn't bare to leave the shop without them.  And they were on special.  Need I say more?